Lesson in Lyme #1 - Stress

Shortly after I arrived at the clinic in Utah, to begin my treatments fighting Lyme disease, I was asked a question that took me a little by surprise.  It was this:

"What was the stressful event that preceded or accompanied the onset of your major symptoms?"

My first reaction was, "I didn't have a stressful event".  Then I thought about it some more and realized there were a couple of things actually.  Not a big, one-time event but more like stressful situations that lasted months.  You know those situations that you think you will just manage for the time being because a solution is more complicated to implement than just dealing with it.  Man, do I ever have a different perspective on that now.

The fact of the matter is that the one consistency the clinic was finding with Lyme patients was the gradual decline was instigated or intensified with stress.

I suppose it makes sense that our immune systems are compromised with stress.  We all know that and have heard that, but it's really hard to associate when you are stressed and you cannot feel your immune system wearing down.  So I think we often forget or find it hard to believe at times.

Many researchers and some doctors feel we should have the ability to fight Lyme disease with our own body.  But the truth is, we are not healthy enough.  Our diets are not rich enough in vitamins and minerals, our lifestyles wear our system down.  Our activities don't make us strong enough and our habits wear out every system we have. We dont support our immune system in such a way that it can help us fight the big fight when it comes around.  So we can't fight things like Lyme and eventually, it gets the best of us. Stress is one of the biggest factors.

In my quest for health and fitness and while training others I started to realize that stressful periods actually set progress backwards not forward.  As a younger person I used to feel fueled by stress, I thought that gave me motivation and drive.  And it does for a while until you survive on that motivation too long and deplete your lymphatic system.  You see when we thrive on stress, we do so because adrenaline is released into our body. It's a jump, a fuel and it gives us that extra push.  But when we continue to depend on that, even subconsciously, we utilize a system that was only meant to support us in emergencies.  We wear it down, we drain it and when we really need it nothing is there to help.  That's was working with stress will do to you.  So if you are one of those people that feels they do better under stressful situations, use caution, you may be falling into the same trap I did.

Now in recovery, I am in what I consider a very vulnerable state.  Just simply existing wears down my body. I am trying to rejuvenate an immune system that was basically shut down with such a fine amount of energy that I can see the effects of everything I do or dont do, everything I experience and every choice I make.  I feel like a true test case for everything good and bad for our health.  And this is what I know for sure.

THOUGHTS
Every thought adds or takes away energy from your body.  So a negative thought tells your body you are in a stressful period and to prepare to protect itself.  Its like telling it to put all of its energy in preparing for war.  And what a waste of energy that thought is if there is truly nothing to protect yourself from.  If it is only your perception of something and not the truth, what a waste of resources for a nonexistent situation.  You just put your body into a false stress.  And how many times do we really need to prepare for war?!

FEELINGS
Every feeling we have takes away or adds energy.  And feelings are much harder to manage than thoughts. They are reactions to many years of experience, to traumas and memories too deep to erase.  But they can be changed over time.  You can't ignore feelings, they won't go away.  You can't work past them, they will keep rising to the top.  So because I have had to work very hard to retain every ounce of energy I have, I have found only one solution to overcoming emotions and feelings that deplete and that is to replace them with ones that fuel us, with these few steps:

a) You have to feel the feeling - notice everything it does to you, what hurts, what feels awful and all that it does.
b) You have to be truthful about what it is - negative feelings are often ugly and it is embarrassing to admit to yourself what it really is, but you must in order to move on.  So if it's jealousy, hate, embarrassment, judgment, call it what it is.  Try to sort out where it came from.
c) Replace your feeling with the thought and feeling you would prefer to have.  This one takes practice and reprogramming.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It's kind of a "fake it till you make it" kind of practice...but with time will be a more conscious reaction. It's worth the effort.

Often times people try to do "c" without doing "a" and "b".  Save yourself the frustration.  do "a" and "b" because that is your only chance to really move on.

ACTIONS:
Often times we actually put ourselves in stressful situations, even when we are not intending too.  We get caught up in the drama, we put too much on ourselves, or we simply don't take good enough care of ourselves to deal with stress.   And when the big stresses of life hit, we don't expect ourselves to handle it, but what if we took better care of ourselves so that when the big stresses hit (the real dramas of life) that we were able to handle them much better because we weren't so depleted?  Now, that is a concept, I have had to learn the hard way.

As I was getting sicker with Lyme (and didn't know it was Lyme) I knew I was not handling stress well.  I tried to avoid stressful situations but found that very hard.  Old habits die hard too.  So, I kept feeling more depleted and finding that I handled less and less situations with calm and confidence, like I once felt I could.  Now I realize my efforts to avoid stress were feeble at best.  Falling into the stress trap is often the easy way because it is how we live these days.  It is what we know best.

In recovery, I am able to really feel what each little thing does to me.  An unpleasant email,  discontented phone messages, lack of assistance, life challenges, they all play a small but significant role in increasing your stress level and depleting your resources.  I can see how ready one small negative message can set back my recovery days.  I see how it instantly depletes energy, how it affects my heart rate, my oxygen intake and how long it takes to return.  It's not worth it.  Stress does far more damage than we realize.  It's always working away at depleting and tearing down our system.  You can't see it, you may not feel it, but it's doing much more damage than we realize.  You can't let it.

Here are some things that are impossible if you deal with significant or chronic stress:
- long lasting weight loss
- good vitamin and mineral absorption
- healing of any kind
- maintain an immune system to support you
- maintain or build energy
- maintain or build mental health
- slow down the aging process
- ability to manage real stress well

What if we managed the little stresses so that our body could thrive?  What if we constantly worked on habits that kept stress under control so that when we really had stress we could cope?  What if we learned to do daily practices that boosted our system, not depleted.

Think about all the time in your day you deal with stress, even the smallest stresses.  Do you do the same amount of work to decrease your stress?  Yes, it does take that to much effort to counteract our stress.  So you certainly don't want to create it where it isn't.  You certainly don't want to make your body think it needs to deal with stress when it doesn't.  But even better than that you want to treat yourself with genuine empathy, be kind, supportive and help it rebuild, so that you can always deal.  Living with even a mild undertone of constant stress is no way to live.  Its worth your efforts to turn that around.  You deserve that.

Lessons in Lyme

I have learned it is clearly nieve to think that healing from Lyme is just about restoring your health.  This disease poses so many hurdles that unfortunately it is much more than just getting your body better.   I think it is the same for most challenges in life.  It is never as simple as it appears on the outside, it is harder that it looks to others and no one knows what each if us is really experiencing.  It has been good to acknowledge that for myself and for others as well.  But the real trick is to acknowledge that and move on, not to use it as an excuse.  So that I will do.

When I was really sick I remember thinking whatever this is it has literally impacted every part of my body and every system it operates.  After being diagnosed I started to realize that it not only impacts every part of you, it impacts every part of your life.  And in healing I have come to realize it impacts even much more.  It is impacts you physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, politically, career, family, future...it simply impacts who you are and the legacy you want to leave.

Recent challenges that go much beyond on my health have demonstrated that I have a long way to go to full healing and that the ramifications will be lasting. I can allow these challenges to jade me, wear me down or scar me.  Or I can take  each one, deal with it and learn so that I may help myself and others.  To do that I must take the lesson for each battle and find what is good in.  So that is what I plan to do because here is what I have learned:

1) Everyone is battling something and if we can do anything to help one another it is to share in the pain, share in the healing and simply support one another regardless of what the struggle might be.

2) Because Lyme eluded myself and doctors for so long, I have potentially been sick with many illnesses and tried every trick in the book.  If anything, I have a sense of what we can do as individuals to heal and more importantly, what works and what doesn't.


3) When you body is as weak as mine was, it is very sensitive or receptive to everything you do, good and bad.  It gives a very true sense fo what impacts our body and how some things, like stress (that are often hard to realize) are doing much more damage than we can imagine.


4) That if I can take all that this disease is teaching me and share it, I may not only help someone else, I can remind myself that there is purpose in all bad that happens and keep moving closer to full recovery.

So although, I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go.  Progress is so slow and minuscule that I cannot reflect by days or weeks, I need to reflect in months, to see how far I have come. And I have come a long way.  Full recovery is my goal so I have no plans to stop here.

So instead of providing updates on my recovery, my status and what symptoms persist,  I have decided to turn this whole thing around.  I am going to share what I have learned, especially all the things I plan to forever implement in my life as a result.  If people can take something from it then great, but for me it will help me focus on the end goal of health, not where things stand right now.  It will also hopefully distract me from al the small hurdles that seem to accompany this process.

So my next updates will be what I will refer to as Lessons in Lyme.  I hope people will find value in them. Some of them have changed my life forever.  Lyme has changed my life forever, but I am determined to prove that it was for the better.  I have to believe the purpose in all of this is much more profound than the challenges, or I would give up.  I am choosing the road that is longer, slower, rougher and harder, but I believe that at the end is health and no one is going to cut that journey short.  No one is going to convince me to take what appears to be the easier route.  No one is going to convince me that I am not going to get there.  I have a way to go before I can get there.  But I will not stop my conversation here until I get there.    I will not stop until I get there.

Lyme Action - What's the Province up to?

Thanks to the help of a special friend, I received a call today from a Policy Advisor at the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, The Honourable Doctor Eric Hoskins' office.

I suppose if there was anyone I wanted to hear the story of many Lyme patients - those I have talked to, read about, and heard of, including myself, then it was likely her.  She was kind and considerate and was wanting very hard to understand all of the things I had to tell her.

She shared with me a report that was released at the end of July:
Combatting Lyme Disease Through Collaborative Action - Ontario's 10-Step Education and Awareness Plan

FEEDBACK from Ministers Staff: 
She explained that this was the result of a collaborative of many stakeholders giving direction to the Province.  These included many patients and medical professionals.  She explained that these are the first steps the Province is being directed to take.  

You can read it at this link:
http://www.health.gov.on.ca/en/common/ministry/publications/reports/lyme_16/lyme_16.aspx

I read through it prior to our call and here are some of the items I shared with her regarding it and my experience:

EDUCATION & AWARENESS
It focusses heavily on education and awareness - hence the report's subtitle.  I think that is very important and with that, prevention should always be the goal.  So it is good that this is not being overlooked.  But none of the awareness would have changed this situation for me.  Admittedly, I needed to find a better way to remove it when I was alone and it was between my shoulder blades, a tough spot to reach.  But, the fact that it was being removed within 24 hours negated that for me.  That message should be revised.  Generally, I think the basic information is getting out there.

PREVENTION
It may be too late to rely so heavily on prevention.  That may have been more important a decade ago when so many people were not already infected.

NOTE: I was wearing socks and shoes.  I was wearing running tights that were secure around my ankle.  It was a cold day, so I have a tshirt, long sleeve shirt and heavy rain jacket on, along with a 40 lbs backpack, heavy on my back, with a thick waist belt and shoulder straps.  I used a spray with DEET and even added Tea tree oil to my lower extremities (I read that somewhere).    I think that sums up most of the prevention recommendations I have read.  And yet at the end of the day, I have 7 ticks on me, 5 of which had made their way to my back. We can't rely so heavily on prevention.

STATISTICS
I keep reading the statistics of Lyme reports and I hate to be so blunt, but the numbers are wrong.  I know of 4x the numbers present that go to one doctor in the states, that are from Ontario.  You have to remember, I am still not an Ontario statistic, because my only assistance has been from the US.  I do not have one medical doctor that is assisting me right now or aware of my situation, in Ontario.  I believe if this province knew the real numbers of: patients treated elsewhere, patients still not diagnosed, patients suffering in silence, you would be looking at this disease as a medical crisis.

RESEARCH
This is mentioned in a very vague way.  If this is the medical crisis that we feel it is, we need to know very directed studies are happening right now.

FEEDBACK: there is public health research money that is being redirected at Lyme research since Lyme has been established by the Minister as a priority.  

This is good to understand because I didn't understand how we just pay for more research.  But I do know that some research is based on figuring out the high risk areas (geographically).  I am not sure that is important, we need to treat all areas as potential risk.  (I did not have a chance to state this sentiment - recording it here).  I also feel the research should be diagnosis or treatment focussed.  That is where the real challenges lie.

BLOOD TESTS
The challenges with the blood test are mentioned here and thats good.  For a few years, I ruled out Lyme simply because my blood test was negative.  But here are a few considerations concerning the blood test:
- there is a better test in the states that you do not refer to.  All medical doctors in the US and naturopaths that I have been to in Canada use this test. Although it is not great, it is better than the one we use here.
- I have been told by a medical professional in the US that the longer you have Lyme the less likely the blood test with show positive, because of the way the proteins bind together and therefore don't reveal themselves.  I hope I am relaying that information right, but I am not a medical professional.  I just know the longer you have it, you reduce your chances of a test picking it up.

FEEDBACK: She did agree that doctors may not have been aware a few years ago about the high incidence of false negatives.  Hence the direction to move to clinical diagnosis now. 



CLINICAL DIAGNOSIS
It is nice to see that Ontario is encouraging clinical diagnosis since the testing is so weak. But there are a few concerns that are not being addressed when this recommendation is being mad.
- Clinic diagnosis is being made by eliminating all other possible causes.  Well this took me over 2 years to complete all the test and find nothing wrong.  I was very sick by then and full recovery is not likely possible.
- Lets remember: I had seven ticks on me, one was attached, I got very sick shortly after and was plagued by mounting illnesses for the next three years.  Yet, no one felt it was Lyme.
- The question is - how do you see clinical diagnosis happening?  How are you helping Doctors Diagnose?  If it is by process of elimination, it is too late and too long of a process.  Doctors in Ontario need way more tools than they have to diagnose clinically.

FEEDBACK: this proved to be a fruitful conversation since she felt the topic of "process of elimination" had not been brought up as a concern.  I also mentioned a workshop that was being held in the US that brought together Lyme proficient doctors to aid others with clinical diagnosis.  She was going to take both issues back to the Stakeholders group.  We both agreed that clinical diagnosis will be a challenging task for doctors, the more assistance the better. 


TREATMENT
Assuming Doctors are able to make a clinic diagnosis more rapidly, Ontario regulations are preventing doctors from treating with the course of antibiotics that is required to actually combat the bacteria.  a few things are happening here:
- doctors are being investigated when treating with high antibiotics over a longer course. They are becoming apprehensive to do so as a result.  Some Doctors who have done this in the past are refusing to take Lyme patients because it puts them in a vulnerable spot.  I am aware of this first hand.
- some patients are being treated with a normal course of antibiotics, but if the disease has progressed this will only knock down the bacteria temporarily.  Symptoms are gone for a while and then when illness returns they are not associated with Lyme or previous illness.
- Some fairly successful antibiotic regimes used in the US have included 5 antibiotics for up to 3 years.  That would never even be possible in Ontario.  And even at that, some patients have some symptoms return.  So it doesnt necessarily kill all the bacteria because some Lyme celled become so thick celled antibiotics cannot penetrate.  Regardless, that course of antibiotics is unheard of here.
-you have no idea the stories I have heard of what some Ontario patients have to go through to get this treatment when they have decided it is their only way.  It makes the average person feel ike fihting for their health is wrong.

FEEDBACK: Protocol for medications was not something she could speak to.  I agree this is a very touchy subject and probably the biggest hurdle to helping patients recover.  My understanding is that presently antibiotic protocol in Ontario will only allow for quantities and longevity that will resolve early Lyme, not chronic Lyme.  

There is a call for a Nationwide framework for Lyme.  The idea is that this will pull together experts from all over the continent and hopefully gather valuable information from the US treatments.  However, (in my lamens terms), there is a protocol you have to follow which goes something like this: The Province working through the College of Physicians and Surgeons, working through the Canadian organization working with the American affiliate, to the form a national approach.  Not an easy process.  

I wonder if the idea of Doctor workshops is a way to share valuable information while the formal approach is happening...?


TREATMENT COVERAGE
I will say no one is treating Lyme perfectly yet.  But I am adamant when I tell you, the US is atleast doing a much better job.  Ontario has no idea how many people are travelling there and paying more than $30,000, $40,000, $50,000 for help, knowing it is not foolproof.  That point itself should be proof enough to show how inadequate it is here.  But this has been happening for decades.

With some work, I was able to get short term coverage through the Federal Government , by proving that I had to go to the US for treatment because nothing was available to me here.  Thank goodness for my blog, because it played a huge role in demonstrating that.  But, my point here is if in a round about way, the Federal Government has acknowledged that I could not get treatment here, I would hope that the Province can recognize that.

Yet, I am not able to get medical benefits for any of my treatments through my provincial health care system or private medical benefits that I have at my work because they only cover medical emergencies in the US.  The fact that sufficient treatment (or no treatment at all in my case) was not available here.  A diagnosis was not even possible for me, here.

FEEDBACK: Was an issue that was consistently raised by patient stakeholders.  I was assured they are looking at this issue in more detail.  I have to admit, it is just nice to hear this issue recognized, but I have to be realistic in knowing that for them to acknowledge this should not have happened and is not just, puts the Province in a very vulnerable position.  I will be very impressed if this is ever rectified for past patients.  For now, need to focus on ensuring that fewer people have to resort to this.  And that means resolving the above issues first. 

CONCLUSION
So when we look at the Provincial Report and apply it to my situation alone, awareness failed me, prevention failed me, diagnosis failed me,  treatment failed me and all possible coverage failed me.  I do feel the report has some good general content to it, it really just needed to be published a decade or two ago.

I can tell you what impressed me the most is the effort that was put into hearing my and many other individual stories.  I will also say the information gathering feels very genuine to me, especially when she was able to reiterate what info was new and would be valuable to the group.  What a great way to make someone feel heard and valued.  I know for many Lyme patients, that is something they are striving for.

I also know these efforts take time.  It is unfortunate that we are so behind  because time is not something we have.  For many, it's way too late.  Regardless of timing, the Province has decided to make this a priority.  As a Lyme patient, I can get stuck at being bitter or I can continue to seek solutions and offer suggestions and maybe we will get somewhere faster than hoped.

Lyme Resources - Help is out there, don't give up

I was reminded today of a conversation I had with a recovering Lyme patient right after my diagnosis. I admired her for her tenacity and willingness to share her info. She was also spending her time being an activist for Lyme and advocate for patients. I was so low on energy at the time, I couldn't imagine myself doing that. I told a friend at the time that I just wanted to heal and move on.


What I have come to realize is that as you work through this disease you start to meet people who have traveled a rough road, like yours but different as well. Some are finding success, others not so much. As you heal, you don't want to leave them behind, nor do you want others to suffer. It is very difficult to just heal and move on. Someone saved me because they didn't just heal and move on.

Then comes a helpless feeling. The whole world is starting to talk about Lyme and nothing is changing. Or is it? It is impossible to know what could be or is happening behind the scenes. So, the only option is to keep trying.

I started this blog originally to share my treatment updates with family and friends, while I was away. I knew it would be a personal one and wanted to keep it so. I seem to be opening that circle wider and wider, with the chance that it may help others. The least I can do is share my vulnerable, personal experience if it helps to bring awareness to the disease, the severity, and the challenges. So I will.

Today I was given the opportunity to speak with Kristy and Leanne on CFRA 580, the Morning Rush. The media has been helpful to the Lyme crisis and it seems to be the best tool we have right now. I thank them for all they are doing to bring awareness to the disease.



You should be able to listen online at:
http://www.cfra.com/TheMorningRush.aspx

Preamble
2016-08-04 Hour 3 of the Morning Rush from August 4, 2016.
31:00 mins

Interview
2016-08-04 Hour 4 of the Morning Rush from August 4, 2016.
11:50 mins

I realized I shared in the interview the best piece of medical advice I received. I was told to keep a diary of my symptoms when we had run out of options. I didnt like the idea at the time because I felt it made me focus on what was wrong and would fill me with reminders of bad things that were happening. I thought the worry that I was becoming a hypochondriac would be fed with such a list.

What the diary did for me at the end was gave me a snapshot of how bad things really were. There were so many more things happening that I ignored or forgot. But I was also told it helps give the doctors a much better picture of the situation. You are more certain of timelines, severity and frequency, all of which help a doctor diagnose. I realized that I was not focussing on the bad, I was developing the tools I needed to move on. I was helping myself the only way I could, hence helping the medical system help me...regardless of whether it was in the US or Canada.

And with that, I also share this advice:  Make sure you are doing all you can to help yourself if you are feeling unwell. They key things: healthy, healthy, healthy eating, daily movement, tons of rest, stress reduction and seeking help everywhere you can. If you can't depend on yourself to help, how can you expect it of others?   Easier said than done I know, especially when you are already feeling so lousy. But it is the most important piece of the puzzle. It determines how badly you want to heal. 

Some key contacts and resources, many of these were shared with me just before I was diagnosed and helped me get there.  So far through my journey, they still prove to be the most reliable.

Canlyme.org - Canadian online resource

lymedisease.org - US online resource

IGeneX inc. www.igenex.com - US Lyme testing laboratory - Can be ordered by Canadian doctors and Naturopaths.

Dr. Maureen McShane - highly informed medical professional in Plattsburgh, NY and Lyme patient.  You can just google her and find out a lot

Hampton Wellness Centre - Dr. Marie Matheson - Naturopathic Doctor in Ottawa specializing In Lyme Disease

The FAR Clinic, Bountiful Utah - Research based alternative treatment, led by Dr. Brett Earl.  Their Facebook page has a wealth of info too.

Confession #3 of a Lyme Patient - Sadness...Gratitude

It is hard to know if and when I was sad over the three years I was unknowingly battling Lyme.  I believe there were many days of frustration but the fact that I thought it was something that would pass, generally kept me distracted from the mounting problems.

What has surprised me in reflection is the lack of sadness in the last months that my condition rapidly deteriorated.  I became so accepting of my situation, which seems quite unlike myself.  I did stay very focussed on what I could do instead.  As fitness became impossible, I started walking.  As walking became impossible, I started painting.  As painting became a disaster (funny story for another day), I started putting away at all the little things I could do to keep myself busy.  I stayed focussed on what I could do...until my mind started to fail me.  That became insurmountable because not only could I not think of what to do, I was having trouble just thinking.

Here is the shocking thing that started to happen in this process.  As I fought to find things I could still do, things I still had in my life, things that gave me purpose, I realized I had more than I ever knew before.  As pieces of me were slowly stripped away it unveiled all the things I took for granted. And maybe I didn't take them for granted, but I didn't take the time to consciously consider them and be grateful.  Which in truth is taking them for granted.

As I sat outside wondering where this unknown illness was going to take me, whether I would be walking on my own much longer, I noticed the incredible 100 acres of natural view I had, the mock orange tree my mother in law gave me that had grown into a huge beautiful tree, the willow that reminded me so much of my friends father, the amazing rock terrace my brother in law built, that replaced the pool that my daughter spent countless hours in, the rock sandbox that my son spent countless hours in, the shed, porch, deck that friends and family not only helped us build but spent many days and evenings, sitting in, on or around.  The list went on and on, so many things, the spruce trees we transplanted that acted as goal posts for my daughter billion soccer shots, the open lawn that made way for my son's billion football plays.  Meanwhile, my daughter is out for a jog on the country road and my son is on the tractor helping his grandfather in the backfield, my husband is cleaning his ATV (again lol)...if all I ever do is sit here, I am so blessed.  What I am so sad about, is why did so much have to be taken away for me to clearly see all of this.

I am glad that I had those moments and days of clarity because I was also lucky to have found a diagnosis, support, and treatment shortly after this. I think the saying must be true "to get what you want in life, you must first appreciate what you have."   Although I still have a way to go in my recovery which is filled with highs and lows, I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I know that if this is as good as I get, I am blessed.  I know I have friends, family and a community that supports me and that in itself, is all I need to have a purpose.  I don't know where this Lyme road will take me, but if all it does is take me to where I am today, I will be just fine.

The really interesting thing about Lyme, especially for women, that I have learned, is how badly it affects their hormones.  My husband will likely say he didn't need to be a scientifist to prove that one.  I understand the bacteria feeds on the hormones and creates incredible imbalances.  For years when I was "googling" all the possibilities of what could be wrong with me, hormone imbalances certainly frequented the list.  So, if this blog sounds like my journey has been all rainbows and lollipops, I am sorry to mislead you.  That is certainly not the case. Funny enough the hormone imbalance became most obvious in recovery.

My first effort at recovery was with antibiotics.  It was clear right from the start that they were working because symptoms started to disappear.  Although the antibiotics would not work for me in the long run because of many adverse reactions to them, they sure made a dent in the bacteria and started my recovery.  Yet, it took me a few days to realize what was happening.  Sometime between 8:30-10:30 every morning, I would cry.  I don't mean for this to be upsetting to anyone, it became a bit of a game with me.  It took a few days for me to realize what was happening. I might be writing this blog, cleaning up something that spurred a memory, something someone said wrote, sent me, did and I would start to cry.  It wasn't the kind of sadness you couldn't hold in, so I just let it out.  I started to accept it was going to happen each day and gathered curiosity in what it would be that would set it off.  It kind of became part of my schedule as silly as that sounds.

What I did learn in all of this is that as the Lyme was being attacked by the antibiotics, the hormones were not being attacked and were gaining a running start at rebuilding, balancing and restoring their normal status (as normal as possible with me lol).  Like clockwork, I assume somehow correlated to when I took my antibiotics, I would have something hit me deep inside and make me cry.  It felt good, was healing and then started to transform into the most profound gratitude I have ever felt in my life.  It started with sadness and then would feel more like gratitude and then it became the gratitude that made me cry... "a good cry" as they call it.  It is a lot for me to admit this. I am usually one to hold it in, hide the sadness, or at least deny the cry. But I somehow believe it to be a monumental step in my recovery.  It didn't allowed me to deny any worries, fears or sadness, it had to come out.

So as I approach three and a half months into recovery, I have to admit it doesn't happen very much anymore.  I guess this is as balanced as my hormones will ever get (oh my poor family hahaha).  But it has made me realize that on the other side of sadness is something we work very hard to achieve in life and that is gratitude despite the situation.  I have seen how the most giving, grateful and generous people are often the ones that have lost so much or had to fight for what they have.  I now realize why, when so much is taken away, you are able to see how much you have.

I have decided to find the gifts in this process and this is certainly one of them.  Sadness, fear and vulnerability don't scare me anymore.  I have gotten better at accepting help and support because I know when I am better, I will give it back.  Somehow deep inside, I feel this disease is going to give me more than it ever took away.

I have also decided to quit waiting until I am better to do things.  I was waiting until my anxiety got better to head out in crowds, for my energy to come back before I went out for any length of time, for my brain fog to dissipate before I just went out.  But I have since decided to live with the Lyme as it presents itself each day.  I have gained many coping mechanisms to deal with the remaining symptoms, so in case this is as good as it gets, I may as well put them into practice.  I can't keep hiding at home waiting for this all to be over.  It just doesn't work that way.  I believe if I can accept where I am today, it will only get better from here.  If I am grateful for where I am today...it will only get better.

Confession #2 of a Lyme Patient - Craziness

I wrote this blog a while ago and never posted it.  I don't want to sound like I am making light of this aspect of Lyme.  I also don't want it to seem that I am trying to qualify "crazy'.  I have been comfortable being described as crazy in my past.  I am different, I do things my way, I do many things others don't want to and I think in a way very unique to me.  I consider that crazy at times and I like that part of me.  But I have been speaking recently to others about what it feels like to mentally be fighting Lyme and I realized there are so many levels to that answer.  Like many battles in life, there is a huge component that is mental.  And not only does this physical disease affect your body, it invades your brain.  On top of all of that, 3 years of misdiagnosis wipes away most of what you know, believe and trust about yourself.  So you begin a lifelong battle to fight for someone you don't trust, in a body you don't know and with a mind that is not in the game.  That feels "crazy".

I recently watched the Avril Lavigne interview where she talks about how people made her feel like she was "crazy" when she was unknowingly battling Lyme for several months.  I can't say anyone said "you are crazy to me" but with the symptoms, side effects of the disease, lack of awareness and misdiagnosis, "feeling crazy" is an understatement.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I have been a little proud over the years to call myself crazy.  But Lyme over a period of time takes crazy to a whole new level, one I was not comfortable with.

Early Crazy - you swear something is wrong with you.  The symptoms are well beyond anything you have experienced before and yet, everyone tells you, you are healthy. This doesn't feel healthy, but they say it is healthy.  I would have sworn there is something more serious going on.  How could I be so wrong?

Continued Crazy - now the symptoms are mounting.  You have decided to accept some as just part of life, but new ones are emerging.  Are you looking for them? Are you somehow doing something horribly wrong to create them?  Have you become a hypochondriac?  Why does it feel like your body is literally falling apart?

Remorseful Crazy - you finally admit that being crazy earlier in life is coming back to haunt you.  People told you shouldn't do those adventurous things.  They said you were too hard on your body.  They swore you would break down before you were very old.  Guess they were right.  Of course, you could go from endurance racing to every limb, system and basic function being affected, because you caused it.

Pessimistic Crazy - you used to be so positive and now your negative views are physically affecting you.  If you could just ignore the symptoms and get on with life, they wouldn't seem so bad.  You used to motivate people to be active and adventurous, now you are the exact opposite of what you strive to be.  Quit thinking about what you can't do and move on.

Forgetfull Crazy - Why can't I remember that?  Strange.  Must have too much on my mind.  Got to get myself organized.  Forgetting too many things lately. I hope no one notices.  I will gently ask a few questions and get things sorted out and get my act together so it doesn't happen again. At least I can admit when I make a mistake.  Shit, I did it again.  This is getting embarrassing.  How does that keep happening?

Brain Freeze Crazy - I can't sort out my thoughts to write this email.  Why is something so easy, so hard for me to put together?  I must have too many interruptions.  I need to work at home for a day.  Maybe I need a vacation.  Wow, if anyone knew how long it is taking me to write this email, they would be horrified.   I wonder if it is not making sense to just me or if it will not make sense to the reader?  Why can't my head figure this out?  Maybe I will leave it until the morning when my brain is clear.

Brain Cramp Crazy - oh my, what was the word I going to say?  It was right on the tip of my tongue.  It's gone, wait a second, pause, it may come back.  Now I don't even know what I was saying.  Everyone in the room is looking at me like they are totally confused about what I was talking about.  I can't remember what I was talking about.  This is embarrassing.  Why do you always have to share your thoughts?  Next time, just wait and maybe you will say it more concisely...or not at all.  That would be safer.

Walking Crazy - I couldn't walk this morning.  How odd does that sound to say? You can't tell anyone that  - how dramatic would you sound.  They will think for sure you are exaggerating.  As if you couldn't walk.  Just sit on the bed and move your limbs until they can support you.  See, you can walk.  You were just asking it more than it was.  Good thing you didn't say anything.  That would have been embarrassing.  Except, I don't know if leaning on the wall down the hallway, is considered normal.

Drunk Crazy - OMG I just fell into my desk again.  Is it sticking out too far?  I have to quit rushing.  Maybe I am lightheaded.  Am I drunk?  I feel drunk.  I walk wobbly at times.  It's like I get thrown off balance for no reason.  I have been knocking things over lately.  I have never been very coordinated. I was always called a bull in a china shop.

Dream Crazy - you don't have dreams anymore. I wonder why that is?  I literally don't wake up and remember a dream.  It's been months, maybe years since I have dreamed.  Hmmm I never realized that until now.  But you know, I can't picture my life lasting much longer like this.  If all of this is getting so bad over the last few months, I can't even picture myself a few years down the road.  Not much to look forward to.

Lyme Crazy - why would you argue with a doctor that you want to go the US to be diagnosed by a Lyme Specialist.  Why would you insist you have any idea what's wrong with you.  You can't doubt the blood tests, they were all negative.  Quit trying to make something of nothing.  Who diagnoses themselves and why would you want Lyme?  Oh wait, maybe because that is the answer to ALL of this craziness.

Overthinking Crazy - I would just like to stop thinking about this for a day.  I don't want to wonder about my symptoms.  I don't want to talk myself into something really being wrong, then telling myself nothing is wrong. I don't want to worry about what I say, what people are understanding, why I can't do something, what thing I am going to do next, what new thing will pop up and surprise me, how I am going to cope, how I am going to hide, how I can get it all done, how I can get by just another day without looking crazy.  I just don't know how.

The thoughts go much deeper than these examples.  I think the major point is the thoughts, analysis and self-assessment never stop.  From the outside all looks perfectly fine, everyone tells you it is perfectly fine and it's just a crazy mess inside.  So when you see Avril Lavigne quite emotional about her story, I believe it's partly sadness from a time where she was so helpless, she didn't even have herself to depend on.  But, it is also a release of relief that she can find herself again, she was right that something was wrong and she wasn't crazy.

Three Months Since Diagnosis - Beating Lyme

It's been a while since I have updated here and it has also been a few really rough weeks.  But as always, I have good news to share so I am back.

I was expecting setbacks, I was told you get worse before you get better, I was told it would be a roller coaster ride.  What I did not expect at this point in my recovery to slip further and further back in my recovery to the point where I questioned if it was working at all.  The clinic kept calling and I just didn't feel up to talking about, as did many others who wanted to help.  I just wanted to push through this phase and get to the other side.  It is so hard to know what is normal and what I should have sought some help for.

It was sorted out in a consultation with my NY doc.  She explained a few things to me, some of which is really great news.

First: She explained that I am showing that I have beaten most of the Bartonella strain of Lyme.  The symptoms I am battling with now are mostly the Babesia strain which is the one they call "the bastards".

Two: She is also incredibly impressed with my progress.  I am way ahead of where I would expect to be with other protocols and she feels the treatments I am doing and have done at the FAR clinic were clearly the right choice for me.

Three: The Babesia strain feeds on iron.  I have eliminated all the other non-essential items from my diet that support lyme, such as sugar, so now it feeding on my iron.  Hence, my extreme fatigue.  The kicker in is that I cannot take iron supplements because that will only strengthen the bacteria.  So it's just a matter of fighting the bacteria until it's gone and fix the iron issue after.  It helps just understanding that.

Four: Since I am still struggling with neurological symptoms I am going to try a new med after I finish the next six weeks of treatments that the doc feels will really kick those on their ass.  That is very encouraging to me.  Not recovering those cognitive abilities really wears on your worry.  It is motivating to know we have something to keep trying.

Five: Even after understanding the iron issue, I kept getting sicker so the NY doc suggested that because my progress is going so well, maybe I am not getting rid of the bacteria as fast as I am killing it.  It was an interesting theory and worth a try.  She upped some of my dosages and added a few to flush the dead bacteria out and bingo!  Within 24 hours, I was already seeing a marked improvement.  It was a turnaround point I had been waiting for.

As much as I still don't have a medical doctor in Canada to help me, I have incredible medical resources that are all willing to work together and support one another's efforts to help me get better.  Everyone has built on the others treatments and all have supported the efforts I am making through the different experts; Research Clinic in Utah, Lyme Doctor in NY and Naturopathic Lyme expert in Ottawa.  Funny enough, all professionals that I have to pay for.  The only help I CAN'T get is from the system I already pay into, the Canadian Medical system.  But that's really okay, I am getting help and support like nothing I have ever experienced before... it's worth every penny.


Oh and to top off this little rant, my short term benefits go through Service Canada's employment insurance benefits but they think they can only cover a week out of country for medical reasons - not my full time in Utah.  For so many reasons I live in a great country but when it comes to this, they suck!  But I do have to commend the staff person that spent an hour on the phone with me trying to build a case.  Although my claim was not supposed to have a two week waiting period,  after two months, I have still not been approved.  He was really trying hard to understand Lyme and the challenges that surround it.  Not many employees would have taken the time or been so helpful.  It was very refreshing and reminds me that a little compassion and patience can make a huge difference.  But as he mentioned there are still rules he has to follow...  There are just some battles not worth fighting.

Speaking of battles, after my follow up emails that apparently got lost in the Director's spam (at my home medical clinic) he asked that we talk by phone.  There were several exchanges with dates and times and the final confirmation never happened, nor the phone call. Maybe that email got lost in his spam again, but at that point, I got really sick and didn't have the fight in me anymore.  I was just asking to see a different permanent doctor at the clinic instead of seeing the one that did not support me and have two different interim ones until my doctor returns from leave.  Seemed like a simple request and only required a yes or no answer.  But it just got more difficult than it needed to be.  Easier to pay for the help and save my energy for healing, than to waste it on trying to convince someone to help me heal.

I can understand how chronic Lyme is so challenging.  I am incorporating information, treatment and trials from every angle I can find them.  And it is taking all of them to make this process work.  It's true that you can never give up, you have to keep searching, asking, and working to get where you want to be.  Every corner you look, every person you talk to, every article you read is just a little bit more that will get you in the right direction.  The only thing you really have to do is Never Give Up.

So in short, I am finally back on the right track and have decided it's taking a community of friends and family to help me through and a continent of professionals - but it's happening.  There truly is a blessing in every burden.  Its amazing to me how much impact the little things have.  A note, text, email, picture, laugh, quote, hello, or kind words can literally make the biggest impact on someone suffering.  I think many times we think about these things and feel silly or let the idea pass.  Don't.  As each day goes by, if you have a thought of doing a small kind gesture for someone.  Do it. Don't let the thought pass.  It can change the world for that person and you may never even know it.  I have received what might be perceived as the most simple gesture to the giver, but it often comes at the most opportune time.

I know there is a lot of suffering going on in the news and the world.  I find it hard to follow right now. I know it's very sad and painful for many.  But I just can't let it undermine the most amazing gestures of humanity I have experienced over the last few months. This world is also filled with kind, caring and truly loving people.  I think we just need to have more confidence to share that part of ourselves and know it makes a difference.  We may not be able to override the pain the world feels but if we can override one moment of pain for someone close, we do change their world.  I promise you it's true.